I don't have internet

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If you don't have internet, how are you viewing this page then, huh?

OK, joke's over.  You've probably been knocking yourself out trying to figure out this internet connection thing.  So you're probably at a friend or neighbor who can connect and you're viewing this page on their computer.  If you have a printer connected to this computer, print this page and take it home.

Dial-up -- Test your phone line

The most basic internet connection is dial-up modem.  If you're surfing the internet via dialup you've got one leg on the beach.  But it's cheap, if it works.  Get broadband (DSL or cable) if you can afford it. 

Make sure the phone line is good.  If you're using a 6 foot phone line extension that came with the computer it's probably good.  Plug one end of the line into a good phone jack in the wall and the other end into the modem on your computer into the connection usually labeled LINE. 

Want to be confused?  Try this:  Any phone wire works when you plug it into your phone will probably work with your modem.  Not all phone wires that work with your modem will work with your phone.  So if you get a phone wire with your modem or new computer, don't try to use it with your phone.  The short reason: a phone wire has 4 wires wrapped up inside it, a modem wire has 2.

Once you've tested your line and everything works, go to the bathroom and relieve yourself.  You're going to call your ISP.  Be prepared to be put on hold.  They should have a tech